Mama’s commonsense approach to excellent interpersonal skills

January 15, 2008 · Posted in Choices, People Skills, Self-help 

Life is about interaction. With rare exception, everyone interacts on a daily basis. You deal with your family, bosses, subordinates, customers (clients, patients, readers, etc), coworkers, friends, enemies, strangers and more everyday.

How would you characterize these exchanges? Do you enjoy interacting with others? Do they enjoy interacting with you?

Here are a few ideas that I feel (and my Mama taught) are common sense solutions for many of the problems that we face when dealing with others.

1. Smile at everyone.

This is easy enough to do physically, but we have problems with the mental part. Why should I smile? I don’t feel like smiling.

  • Smiling causes others to relax. In a potentially tense situation, your smile may lower everyones blood pressure enough so that problems can be handled rationally. Your smile may even allow your message to be more easily received. Think of how you brace yourself when someone approaches you with a scowl on their face. Are you relaxed or are you thinking, “Oh No, here comes trouble?”
  • Smiling helps you relax. Consciously smiling actually changes your attitude. It sounds crazy, but it is a fact. I have discovered that when I am having “bad” or anxious thoughts, if I will stop and think of something that makes me smile, my anxiety level decreases significantly.
  • The presence or absence of a smile is the FIRST thing that people notice about others. It tells others that you are friendly and mean no harm.
  • Your smile almost always provokes others to smile and thus feel better and be easier to deal with.
  • Hint: Smile with your entire face – allow your eyes to “smile” along with your mouth.

2. Your Mama taught you some “magic” words and phrases – use them!

From the time that each of my daughters were born, my wife and I have tried to impress on them the need to use certain words and phrases. We consistently encouraged them and explained why it’s important to use these “magic” words and phrases. As a result, my children are complimented regularly on their manners.

  • “Thank You” – does this really need an explanation? Everyone likes to know that they are appreciated – Everyone. I don’t care if it is a waiter refilling your glass or your father giving you a new car. Take the time to say “thank you”. If you think you are too “big and important” to be bothered thanking everyone that does something for you, then you are not really “big and important”.
  • “Your welcome” – a proper response to “thank you”. Yes, it is a simple acknowledgment, but necessary nonetheless. Do it.
  • “Yes sir”, “Yes ma’am”, “No sir”, “No ma’am” – Old fashioned? Maybe, but mostly it shows respect. You can never expect others to respect you if you fail to demonstrate respect for them. Your demonstration of respect for others reveals your character. People watch and listen to you. You won’t fool them for long – Be respectful.
  • “Please” – I don’t care whether you own the business, work in the shipping department or clean the toilets, using “please” will get you more (and more often) than not using it. People resent being ordered around and will usually respond quite readily to a “please.”
  • “Excuse me” – Wait for a break in the conversation before interrupting. Need directions? Approach potential help with “excuse me” – works every time.

3. Look ‘em in the eye.

Nothing conveys the message, “you are not important to me”, faster than looking elsewhere when a person is talking to you. When conversing, people look at your eyes to gauge your response to what they are saying. If you are looking at them, then your eye to eye contact tells them that what they are saying is valuable, thus they are valuable to you.

If you want your popularity to increase, then “focus on being focused” on the people you converse with. I guarantee that you will be happily surprised at the result.

4. Stop interrupting.

Interrupting is like the verbal version of pushing someone out of your way so you can get where you are going. It makes you look like the playground bully – because in essence, that’s what you are. It tells others that you are “bigger” and “more important” than they are, so you deserve to be heard first. Worst of all, it’s really, really rude. You won’t gain allies by interrupting them.

5. Don’t “one-up” everyone.

Maybe your cousin does pitch for the San Diego Padres, but my son getting his first hit in little league is what’s important to me. What do you think that your need to “top” every story conveys? Insecurity? Neediness? It is not an attractive trait and it will inhibit your otherwise good attributes. Allow someone else to steal the show sometimes – even if your stories are better.

6. Listen, listen and listen.

The auditory version of making eye contact. People talk with you for a reason. They want to:

  • make you aware of something
  • explain something to you
  • get your feedback
  • warn you
  • prepare you
  • ask your advice

If you are not listening, then you will not hear the message. Sometimes the message is subtle, so you have to listen hard. Conversation is a two-way street. You talk and then you listen. If you are not listening, then you are not in the conversation. Save yourself and others some time. Go get a mirror and talk to it.

7. Initiate and invite conversation.

Take the time to meet and greet others. If you are the “boss”, there is nothing (NO OTHER THING!!!) that you can do, that will produce greater returns for what is invested. Stop and say “hi” to the people who work for you. Ask about their families. Make it a point to know about them or take the time to get to know them.

Again, it tells people that they have value. This is important. When people feel valuable, they act valuable. They do their jobs in a valuable way. The bottom line is that when they feel valuable, they increase your value.

It’s like having clean underwear on.

As I said in the beginning, this is all common sense. The sort of stuff your mama told you when you were a kid. It’s kind of like her always telling you to make sure you’re wearing clean underwear. Her thought was, you never know when you may have to go to the hospital so you want to have clean underwear on. It won’t prevent you from having to go to the hospital, but if you do go, you’ll be prepared.

Most of the time, how you interact with others is just plain, old common sense. Smile, look at them, listen to them, be respectful and show them that they have value. You never know when you might need the “other” person.

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Comments

8 Responses to “Mama’s commonsense approach to excellent interpersonal skills”

  1. Stephen Hopson/Adversity University on January 16th, 2008 6:31 pm

    Chris:

    And did Momma tell you to put up your photo on this blog? If she did, she’s the smartest Momma in the world! It looks GREAT. Now you have personalized your site and people who are visual, like me, can get to see what you look like. Excellent - I’m glad you put one up there. Now instead of a group of words, I now have a face to relate to. :)

    You’re right Chris. Right on the mark. I particularly liked the “don’t interrupt” part. So many people tend to do that because they can’t wait to get in a word edgewise. They think that by piping up in between the other person’s words, it makes them look important. But the opposite is actually true. It’s the listener who is in the moment, making the other person feel like he/she is the most important person in the world, who has true power.

    I can’t tell you how many times when I’m blabbing my life away in the presence of such a person when I suddenly become self-conscious and stop talking! And that’s without a word said by this listener.

    Great job Chris. I LOVE your blog. I feel we are a special group of bloggers who truly care about others. Corinne Edwards who I think is also a subscriber of yours, told me recently that when people are sick of bloggers who do nothing but talk about making money, we’ll still be around to listen to them when they realize we’re still here!

    It’s a privledge to learn from you sir. :)
    Stephen Hopson/Adversity University’s last blog post..Interview with Christine O’Kelly - Part II of II

  2. Chris Melton on January 18th, 2008 8:28 am

    Hi Stephen,
    thanks for the kind words. It’s hard to take the time to listen, but when we are listening, then like you noted, we are focusing the speaker, which makes him/her important.

    I appreciate all that you do.

  3. Stephen Hopson/Adversity University on January 18th, 2008 8:57 am

    Chris:

    Absolutely welcome! Keep up the good work. I’m excited about 2008 and I’m even more excited about your success with the Rotater. I can’t wait to hear about how it changed your life from Point A to Point B. Now that’s an idea for a post, isn’t it? :)

    Thanks for being authentic with your readers. I appreciate it.

    Stephen Hopson/Adversity University’s last blog post..How I Almost Let FEAR Stop Me From Accepting a $4,000 Engagement

  4. Brad Baggett on January 21st, 2008 9:44 pm

    Great article Chris! I really think that today’s society has lost many of the down home manners and common sense that I (we) learned as kids. It amazes me everyday how little respect kids have for adults and athority these days. I sure do like your “Mama’s magic phrases”, they work wonders for me!

    http://www.JuiceofChampions.com

    Brad Baggett’s last blog post..What it takes to have a great MLM company!

  5. Chris Melton on January 22nd, 2008 11:46 pm

    Hi Brad,

    Sorry for the delay in responding to your comments, but I am a few days behind due to the PGA expo in Orlando.

    Thanks for your support and encouragement - you keep me inspired.

  6. Lisa Saline on February 14th, 2008 6:52 am

    Chris,
    “Thank You” for the tips. These should be taught not only in the home but at school. Excellent article. Thanks again.

  7. William Noel on February 14th, 2008 8:42 am

    I believe people have gradually lost their GOd-given respect for other people. Blame computers or whatever you want, but it’s time that we return to the common senese that you shared in this article. Thanks!

  8. Chris Melton on February 14th, 2008 9:20 pm

    Lisa & William - thank you both for your kind words and support.

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